Being “in your own way” is a strange idea.
Isn’t there only one of you?
And if that’s true, who is it that’s actually “in your way”?
I think of it like this: we have different parts, and when those parts are disconnected and trying to accomplish different things, they can block one another from moving forward.
You can name those other parts in a lot of ways: the shadow self. The ego. The inner critic.
I don’t look at getting out of your own way as knocking down or defeating those other parts.
Instead, it’s about learning to see them, accept them, and openly embrace them so that they reintegrate with the core of you.
I also think that’s a pretty difficult assignment.
What’s in this post is what I’ve figured out so far about how to pull it off.
I’m a little bit shocked to discover, lately, that I’m making real progress on reintegrating and feeling better.
I want to share what’s worked for me. I hope it will help you too, if you’re someone who feels blocked or unable to move forward.
1. Find out who you (actually) are.
Martha Beck talks about the social self (the person we present to other people because we think that’s how we’ll be accepted and fit in) and the essential self (the person we are and have been since before our social conditioning began).
Your essential self tends to get pretty buried over a lifetime of trying to act the way you think you’re supposed to. Mine certainly has.
Uncovering it is a huge step in getting out of your own way, and can help set the stage for the rest of the journey.
Here are some ways to get started:
Personality Tests: If you want to get some perspective on how you function, what fires you up, what you avoid, etc., consider trying a personality test. I was stunned at the accuracy of the reading I got; you don’t have to agree with all of it, but it may help you gain perspective on yourself. My favourite is 16 Personalities.
The Enneagram: This may seem like just another personality test, but the Enneagram is a powerful model of human psychology. It’s helped me understand my interests and obsessions, as well as those of others in my life. The deeper you go, the more reveals itself. But you can start with just doing the online test.
The Work: Byron Katie’s method for uncovering what’s really happening, which she calls The Work, is immensely powerful. She details the methods in her book Loving What Is; I also summarized the approach here.
If none of these resonates with you, there are many other approaches that might help — journalling, talking to a therapist, making art or writing. The point is to find a way to uncover the truth of who you are — not who you pretend to be to fit in.
2. Build a base of okayness.
Getting out of your own way takes both energy and calm. In order to have either, you’ll need to take care of the basics.
The way I remember to do this is by taking my M.E.D.S. (an acronym for Meditation, Exercise, Diet, and Sleep).
Meditation: I try to do some form of meditation daily, even if it’s only for five minutes. It’s great in itself, and it acts as a reminder that my overdriven thoughts are like weather, and I can be the observer of them.
Exercise: I define this one pretty broadly — some days exercise might be a weightlifting routine; others it’s a leisurely walk to work. As long as you’re in your body and active, you’ve done it.
Diet: To crib Michael Pollan’s formula: eat food, not too much, mostly plants. I don’t follow a specific diet, but I know the difference between a day I’ve eaten garbage and a day I’ve eaten real food. The latter is much better.
Sleep: Getting enough shut-eye isn’t always easy, but it’s incredibly central to wellbeing. If you’ve slept, you’ll think clearly and be able to accomplish great things. If not, well… good luck meditating, exercising, and eating well that day.
If you can get these four elements into a mostly good place, you’ll have a strong foundation for the work you want to do. And you’ll just feel better in general, which is a nice bonus.
3. Identify your obsession (and then decide what to do about it).
Tim Denning, an author and thinker I greatly admire, often talks about how much he dislikes the advice to “follow your passion.” Instead, he says, figure out what you’re obsessed with and do that.
If you do, he says, work-life balance will go out the window because you’ll love what you do so much you won’t ever want to stop.
Sounds good, but: his obsession happens to be making millions of dollars from writing online and coaching people.
Mine (from what I can see) isn’t.
If you have a lucrative, rewarding, exciting obsession, and you can figure out what it is, I’d suggest pursuing it immediately.
As for me, I recently realized that I already had an (unacknowledged and unconscious) obsession, and I was spending most of my waking hours working on it.
My obsession was getting people to like me so I’d feel better about myself.
Look at your life, very carefully.
Do you have a hidden obsession that causes you to take a lot of the actions you take?
If so, I recommend working on becoming unobsessed and then healing.
Then you can look into becoming a rich and internet-famous guru, if that floats your boat.
4. Do whatever it takes to calm your ego down.
I’ve been thinking about how to get out of my own way for a looooong time. It turns out thinking about your anxiety with the instrument that generates your anxiety (your brain) is not a great method for clearing said anxiety from your life.
There are other methods. So many of them.
These are ways of sidestepping all the booby traps that your ego sets to keep itself in control of your life. They lead some people to incredibly profound realizations and experiences.
I haven’t tried any of these, but I’ve heard rave reviews about all of them from friends and acquaintances, and I intend to explore at least a few of them:
EMDR: This is a treatment for PTSD that involves moving the eyes rapidly (the acronym stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Apparently it can help people change their relationship with painful memories stored in their brains.
EFT tapping: This one was just recommended to me; it functions similarly to acupuncture, but replaces needles with your fingers. By applying targeted pressure to your body’s 12 meridian points, Emotional Freedom Technique tapping may help relieve physical pain and anxiety.
Neurofeedback: Imagine learning to consciously control your brainwaves by getting realtime feedback from a device attached to your brain on what effects different stimuli have on your mood. That’s neurofeedback therapy.
LSD/Ketamine/MDMA therapy: Guided trips are revelatory for some people. They allow us to enter new realms of consciousness, go beyond our ego-driven self, and confront aspects of ourselves and our lives that we aren’t able to face when not under the influence.
I’m currently experimenting with longer-form meditation to achieve similar effects, and so far it’s having an impact (fingers crossed it continues).
If you’ve had an experience or tried a therapy that you’ve found transformative, please let me know in the comments.
5. Envision and inhabit a more tuned-in and fulfilling you.
I don’t want to get out of my own way just to say I did it.
I want to do it so I can become a better, calmer, kinder, and more loving version of myself.
And envisioning that version of me — the me I’d be if I wasn’t dragged down by my sense of unworthiness and all the defenses I muster to protect myself from it — is a big part of the process.
Not just vaguely imagining him. Becoming him in my mind. Believing that I’m already him.
Here’s one way to approach that. Start by asking yourself, what is the emotion I struggle with most?
Anger? Shame? Impatience? Neediness?
Whatever it is, imagine who you might become if you could surrender that emotion to the universe and have it removed from your life.
For me, when I imagine myself without the belief that I’m unworthy, I see someone present, confident, and generous. Someone who thinks about himself a lot less and other people a lot more. Who makes a positive impact on the lives of others.
I’m working on fleshing out that vision of myself and bringing him to life.
To do so, I need to embrace and forgive the shadow parts of me that have been in my way all these years, and make them part of the me I want to become.
If you weren’t in the way, where would you go?
As I continue to do this work, I start to see the edges of a life where I’m not constantly blocking myself from moving forward.
It’s a lovely thing to imagine.
What might I do if I was free?
Who would I connect with?
How could I help?
I’d love to hear from you if you’re on a similar journey, and if anything you’ve found has helped you.